#1. I was 16 years old before I was told by my father that I didn’t have to kiss a boy after a date. I thought, because of movies etc, that you were supposed to. It was like how you said thanks. WRONG!
#2. You can go home on a date. I had this horrible date with this guy who was really trying to pressure me, and I was NOT having a good time. But he had the car, so what was I supposed to do? I was stuck. My sister (younger even) was like “Kristina, why did you call me? Just say you are sick or something or call me and I would have come to rescue you.” There have been movies that I saw that weren’t good with friends, but I didn’t drive, I should have called home. There have been parties (4th grade) that got out of hand. I should have called home. I didn’t think of that option. Girls, you can always call home.
#3. Expect the unexpected. What I mean, there were a few times that I was “violated” by boys, and because I was so shocked, I froze and didn’t react the way I wish I had.
Story #1 I was talking at a guys apartment, decided to head home and my home teacher (this is in college) says, “Well, is she is going I will go too!” When out side the door, he asked me for a hug. When I gave him one, he reached down, squeezed both of my butt cheeks and said, “wanna make out?” I was so in shock I just stood there, and eventually walked away. What should I have done? This one is easy SLAPPED HIM!
Story #2 I was watching General Conference (yes General Conference violation here!) in my apartment, when my FHE brother called during one of the choir numbers. He had made some roast and wanted me to come over at the next song and eat it with him. I had been getting vibes that he may be crushing on me, but who didn’t? Just kidding. Free food, dinner I didn’t have to make. I walked down the hall to his apartment on the next choir number. We ate a yummy dinner and watched the rest of General Conference. It was Sunday. . So after it was over I wanted to go home, but how rude is that to eat and leave after like 20 min. So I stayed for a while. He was a councilor in Elders Quorum I was a councilor in R.S. we had the same meetings. I decided that if I stayed too long he would want me to go to the bishops meeting we both had 2 hours later. I didn’t want to be there for that long and the conversation was lacking, so I thought, if I pretend to be sleepy, he will be like, “oh, if you are tired you can go home and take a nap.” I WAS WRONG! So I kinda laid my head on the arm rest if the couch a little, looking sleepy. He asked, “are you tired?” “Yeah” I replied. “Well, you can just sleep here!” He brings me a pillow from his room, and lays my feet up on the couch. I was like oh man! Wrong response! But I didn’t’ want him to feel bad and leave so soon. So I stayed, for just 10 min I thought. (This was the first time the Holy Ghost whispered to me, “go home.” - Just 10 min I told myself peeking at the clock.) So then the guy decides he wants to nap too. So he lays on the couch next to me, but our heads are on opposite ends, so it doesn’t seem bad – ‘cause I had a NO laying side by side rule, aka no spooning. Didn’t break that rule, so I didn’t know what to do. (This was the second time the Holy Ghost told me to GO HOME.) 5 more min I told myself. I didn’t want to be rude. So when I lay down and relax, my legs start to twitch, and my foot kicked him. I apologized and he just took my feet and snuggled up to them with his head, almost like a pillow. I was like what? I was in shock. (The Holy Ghost didn’t have to say GO HOME this time, I knew.) 2 more minutes I told myself. My leg twitched again and this time resulting to a little kick in his face! “I am so sorry!” I said, now it would be easy out to go home. “Here,” he said pulling my arms and me to a sitting position. (I am thinking he will sweetly help me up and walk me home.) But no, he pulls my arms toward him and tries to get me to lay on top of him! “NO!” I said as I pushed my hands on his chest to keep from laying on him, then I try to stand up and he grabbed my leg! I WAS SO SCARED! This time the story of Joseph and Potifer’s wife flashed before my mind, and I just ran. I didn’t even look at him once I just ran home.
What should I have done? Well, obviously I should have listened to the Holy Ghost um, the first time. What else did I learn? At that moment, I cared more about offending this boy than offending the Holy Ghost who had warned me. I need to fear God more than Mammon. This is when I instigated the rule one persons feet must always be on the floor. His or mine. Only one person gets comfortable on the couch. (for watching movies etc.)
- seriously having this rule saved me later when my boyfriend tried to kinda spoon with me. I was like ‘oh, Richard, I have this rule. . . “ I explained it, he said, “that is a good rule.” And problem was solved. No hard feelings. It wasn’t like I was like you are so bad. It was just a rule I had set long ago.
One more thing to learn from this one, it doesn’t matter if he is the Elders Quorum President or what ever, it really should – but doesn’t say anything about their morals. My dad told me this time and time again. “I don’t care if he is a Return Missionary or in the Elders Quorum Presidency – it doesn’t mean anything.” Yep, this guy was both. And it didn’t mean a thing.
Story #3 My girlfriends and I decided to see a movie, this guy tagged along. This was NOT a date. He ended up next to me and during the movie tried to put his hand on my knee/leg. I tried to be nice and just nudged it off. He put it on AGAIN. Again I brush it off. I cross my legs way over to the side away from him, trying to get as far away as possible, he does it AGAIN – using some excuse about how I must have just shaved that morning. Seriously the nerve! I thought I had done all in my power. What should I have done?
So after all 3 off the above happened in like a months span I began asking my guy friends if it was my fault. Was I throwing out signals that I wanted to be violated? Was I preserved as tramp-ish? I was really concerned. After several friends told me that it wasn’t my fault, I scheduled an interview with my bishop. (Poor guy had only been my bishop – and these guys bishop for a month now.)
It went something like this: “So Kristina, what can I do for you?” “Bishop,” I said “I have been violated more times by boys in your ward in the last month than I have my whole life! And because of the boys in your ward, I probably won’t ever want to date again!” (No I didn’t really know at the time, but this is a HUGE blow to a singles ward bishop. They kinda measure their success as bishop by obviously how many people don’t have to repent from things, and secondly by how many kids they get married off as bishop. Seriously! We became super close this bishop and I, and years after I saw him and he bragged about how many couples were married off his last year as bishop. He was proud!)
Bishop asked me to relate the stories to him. I did, offering no names. He asked for names. I was like you aren’t going to be happy, one is your E.Q. Councilor! Then I said “seriously, with the last guy, at the movies, what more could I have done? I mean I pushed him away 3 times!” He gave me some wonderful advice. He said, “after he does it the 2nd time, you stand up right in the theater, look at him point and say loudly “DON’T TOUCH ME!” and sit back down. He won’t touch you again. But if he does, run!”
That was great advice. Secretly I hoped that another guy would do that to me so that I could stand up and yell at him in the theater. Mean I know. But more importantly he taught me with that advice that it doesn’t matter about saving his feelings. He knows better. My feelings are way more important. If I am uncomfortable, then he is in the wrong. And it is ok to embarrass him if that’s what it takes. Besides I might save some other girl down the road. My body is a temple. And it takes more than recommend to get in. (All those guys had recommends – none a marriage license & ceremony! )
#4 Rules. Set rules now. Think if he did this, then I would….. We had that for dances. When I was 14 we thought of everything (so we thought) if his hand slides to low down our rear than we will cough & politely bend our knees so that his hand gets back on our back. If it happens again – knee him in the groin. J But I would never in my life time be able to play every scenario out in my mind. The boys are much to crafty! J So that is why I think rules are great. I had a lot of dating rules. Here are a few that I remember. Oh and before I forget, if you are ever on a date and know he is more into you than you are him and you don’t want to have that awkward door scene, just talk about how some other guy who you knew wanted to kiss you at the door, and the things you do to keep that from happening, ie invite him in to meet the family or roomates, so that you can just walk him to the door and say by afterwards. I have done it, it worked every time. You just need to stay on the inside the house part of the door when you show him out.
I had a rule that I wouldn’t hold a guys hand until we had dated for a month. And if I held hands with a guy, that was boyfriend/girlfriend time. I didn’t kiss for at least a few weeks after that. Never any French kissing EVER. (I have lots of reasons.) When I was engaged, we never kissed for more than 3 min. I would seriously watch the clock or have a mental one. Kept me from getting to swept up in the moment, and cut things off before more could happen. We would have to talk for 10 min or more before I might give him another 3 min kiss. (It is amazing how well they listen and are interested in what you have to say!:) I previously mentioned the one persons feet on the floor at all times. No spooning – or laying next to each other. I was ok laying my head on his lap WITH A PILLOW always – or he on mine with a pillow, but that was the extent. BYU had rules that you shouldn’t be in the apartment alone with a guy I always followed that one. (yes story #2 was with roommates in the back rooms!) Never do boys go into girls room or vice versa. (I only broke this when they weren’t home to play pranks – but shouldn’t have. But oh, they were great pranks. Once we stole all the interior doors. ;)
I know that there were more rules, but those are the main ones I can remember. These rules are obviously in addition to the obvious ones in the strength of youth etc. They just push the “line” to a safer place. I think I needed a “slap him” rule. But luckily didn’t really have to use it after story #1.
Well my dear little girls, I am writing this to you when you are 3 years and 1 year. Before I forget to many things. J I just know the world you grow up in will be much more difficult if you don’t put up your guard now. Please know your comfort, safety and self esteem override any stupid boys you may date. :) I love you!
Love mom.
