Kaylee's Birth

This is making me so mad.  I SWORE I wrote this down SOMEWHERE.  And now 7 years later I am sure it won't be as good.  But I am determined to write it down now and not procrastinate it again.  Yep, in my journal there is a blank page waiting for it to be written down.  Nice.

Long story just a little shorter - Kaylee our second was a surprise.  Our First Mykial was 10 months old when I found out that we were expecting another baby.  We had recently moved - and guess what, Insurance by the same name in Oregon is not really the same in Arizona.  At least they won't cover you.  So, here we are, unable to have insurance because my pregnancy is "pre - existing" -by like a week!   Don't move and get prego.  So we began saving up.  Cost to have a baby today is about $5,000.  No extra frills like ultra sounds and epidurals though.  Those are extra, and just pray there are no complications.  No stress, ha, ha, HA!

So because we do not know about complications, we are a 1 car family.  And I want to purchase a used set of couches from a family, which are about the cost of an epidural.  So I am determined.

I was a teacher when I had my first.  So I got everything covered.  No big deal.  Loved the epidural.

Not having the OPTION of an epidural sent me into a little panic, while suffering through contractions at the hospital.  They asked if the epidural could be a little less since we were cash pay.  Yep, like we thought about $1,000 more.  This angle little nurse looked at me and said "YOU CAN DO THIS!  If you want to you can do this [with out an epidural].   I am sooooo grateful that I didn't.  I learned soooo much from that experience.  The nurse held my hand and got me through it.  She was amazing.  In fact I CHOSE not to have an epidural with the other children because of it.

I loved the feeling that I was in control, and I could feel what my body was supposed to do NATURALLY.  As if some All-knowing God had created my body with built in knowledge of what to do!  {insert sarcasm}.  Honestly it was as NATURAL as throwing up.  For me the epidural blocked too much and I didn't know what to do, nor could I feel anything.  (As was evident when I tried to stand up after!)  I should also say that I did not go TOTALLY naturally, there was some kind of IV drug they gave me that made me a little slow and sleepy, the room spun a little... but it was just what I needed to "relax" just enough to progress through labor.  45 min after that liquid magic entered me the baby was COMING! ;)

The reason for the post really, is here:

There was a point in the pushing, {which was only 20 min total duration} that I wanted to stop.  I just needed to take a breath, but I would try and another contraction would come.  I wanted to step out of my body for just a second, compose myself and jump back in again.  My mind turned to the Savior.
I thought of how my Religion teacher quoted Moses 6:59-63 (I will paste in below...) and said that he would never understand the atonement the same as his wife did.  I was beginning to get it.  This was a hard task that was asked of me, only I could do it.  Dustin couldn't step in for me and help me at all.  I cried out in a little prayer, "if I could only have a break, just a little one."  and I remembered the words of the Savior, "O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt. "   I wanted it to pass, but knew it couldn't yet.  There was a LIFE that depended on me.  And even though I hadn't met her yet, I loved her more than I express.  And I did not want any harm to come to her.  Even thought I wanted to stop and take a breath, that could be dangerous for her, and I knew it.  So I uttered a different prayer, and asked for the strength to get through the task before me.

I am not in anyway saying that what I went through in labor was anything like what the Savior went through.  But what I came to understand more that day was about His love for us.  He wanted the cup to pass, the pain, anguish and heart ache was great.  But his love for US was GREATER.  He endured it because our LIVES depended on it.  He endured it because NO ONE ELSE could do it.  HE WAS THE ONLY WAY.

In Alma 7:11-12 it reads:  11 And he shall go forth, suffering pains and ^aafflictions and^btemptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will ^ctake upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people. 12 .... and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to ^csuccor his people according to their infirmities.  

I believe that He suffered more than just for our sins that day in Gethsemane.  I believe that he also suffered our pains and sicknesses, even our heartaches, so that he would know how to succor us.  As it says above.  I believe this because I have learned how to turn heartaches over to the Lord.  He really can "Yoke" it with us and often for us, if we let him.  I have no idea if he felt all the labor pains of every woman in the world, but I know that i did draw STRENGTH from Him and God to get me through my time of weakness.  I know that He sends angles and spiritual strength when we ask for it.

I do not fully understand the atonement of Jesus Christ.  I learn more about it as I grow, experience things and learn.  But that day, I was grateful for glimpse into the LOVE he has for each person.  He even suffered for those that He knew wouldn't use His atonement - just in case - because He loved us all.  We are all equal to Him.

And so, as my Religion professor taught me, through the shedding of my blood, I gave life.  Water and the spirit we also present.  The life that the Savior offers is different than the life I "gave" that day. But is done with love of a Father and Brother, something I understand a little more because I am a mother.

Here is the Moses Scripture referred to.  Read it and make your own connections. :) The Lord truly teaches in parables.

59 That by reason of transgression cometh the fall, which fall bringeth death, and inasmuch as ye were born into the world by water, and blood, and the ^aspirit, which I have made, and so became of ^bdust a living soul, even so ye must be ^cborn again into the kingdom of heaven, of ^dwater, and of the Spirit, and be cleansed by blood, even the blood of mine Only Begotten; that ye might be sanctified from all sin, and ^eenjoy the ^fwords of ^geternal life in this world, and eternal life in the world to come, even immortal ^hglory;

 60 For by the ^awater ye keep the commandment; by the Spirit ye are ^bjustified, and by the ^cblood ye are ^dsanctified;

 61 Therefore it is given to abide in you; the ^arecord of heaven; the ^bComforter; the ^cpeaceable things of immortal glory; the truth of all things; that which quickeneth all things, which maketh alive all things; that which knoweth all things, and hath all^dpower according to wisdom, mercy, truth, justice, and judgment.

 62 And now, behold, I say unto you: This is the ^aplan of salvationunto all men, through the ^bblood of mine ^cOnly Begotten, who shall come in the meridian of time.

 63 And behold, all things have their ^alikeness, and all things are created and made to ^bbear record of me, both things which are temporal, and things which are spiritual; things which are in the heavens above, and things which are on the earth, and things which are in the earth, and things which are under the earth, both above and beneath: all things bear record of me.