How do you get through a miscarriage?

How do you get through a miscarriage?  How do you help someone through one?  These are all questions I have been asked many times.  I thought that I had blogged more about this, but it looks like it was mostly in my journal.  I have had two.  The first was our first and I lost the baby at 3.5 months and the second miscarriage was two kids later at just 7 weeks.  Both hurt.  I told myself that the 7 week one should have hurt less.  I was less attached after all right?  Less attached to the idea of being pregnant because I really only found out I was pregnant a matter of weeks ago right?  Nope. and nope.   It all just sucks.  No matter how many times you have had one, no matter how many kids you have, it sucks.  It's not fair and really there is no "reason" that anyone should ever have to live through such pain.  I would like to share some things I learned.  And maybe some of it will help you get through something difficult in your life.  Maybe it will help you help someone in their life.

My husband says that as a husband going through this you feel helpless.  Other friends have told me that their husbands need just as much support and acknowledgment of the loss.  It is their loss too.  Although they do not physically feel the pain, their heart too still aches.

When someone has a miscarriage - at least everyone I know - you blame yourself.  You wonder why you don't "deserve" a baby - or wonder why it happened to you - when people who don't want babies have them and leave them in dumpsters.  Then Satan creeps in your mind and heart and tries to get you to deny the existence of God.  Because let's be real, what kind of kind a loving God would allow anyone to go through such a thing?  These are all the kinds of things I thought of.  

You can read some of the things I felt and admitted out loud here.  It might sound kind of dark.  But unless or until you go through something that puts you in that dark place, you won't understand.  I even forget how dark it was, looking back.  I remember the pain.  But I forget how much I let darkness creep into my heart.  And you can tell a woman going through this till you are blue in your face that it is not their fault.  And it even makes sense to us - when we aren't going through it.  Not that it is bad to tell us.  But when you are going through it, you are just pleading for a miracle to keep that little life inside of you.  And at the point that you know it is too late you look for every reason why.  Maybe I shouldn't have done this, or eaten this or maybe it is because . . . the list is very long.  Perhaps we are looking for a reason so that we know why so we can avoid that next time and so we can feel some control over something you can do NOTHING about.

Everyone is different in how they deal with grief.  I need people, love and hugs.  The second time we lost a baby my hubby was working very long hours.  I found myself very along.  I tried to be happy and positive, but I was alone.  I knew that I needed my Savior and I needed to be healed.  I was broken, heart and soul.  I honestly totally believe that He can and will take away all of our pain and heartache.  The atonement is deeper than just covering our sins.

The problem was I wasn't entirely sure HOW to give this pain to my Savior.  But moistly - I wasn't ready to give it up either.  Perhaps I felt I deserved it -or needed to have the pain - because getting over it seemed so shallow and uncaring for the little tiny life I just lost.  I think I was punishing myself with the hurt.

I tried talking with my friends, even my own mother - but it didn't ease my pain.

One night I simply poured out my heart to my husband.  I said much the same things that I did to my girlfriends and mother. . . But this time is was different.   I looked at my husband, and as I told him all my heart ache, the reasons it wasn't fair, the reasons I felt like I was being punished, the reasons why I felt abandoned by God, why I felt alone, like a bad person and so, so much more. . . as i told my husband all of these things, I saw his countenance change.  I saw his eyes fill up with sorrow, as he felt my pain.  Almost immediately I felt a huge relief in my hurt.  We were in this together, and it was his pain too.  As I let it all out I could see my husband literally bear my burden, and take it from me.  We yolked this trial and burden and together we would get through it.

I learned some great lessons from that night.  #1.  My husband is not only my best friend, but a partner. I realized how strong our bond truly is and connected we are.  I realized that I needed HIM, more than i needed my girlfriends or mother.  This was OUR trial.  HE could only empathize with me.  WE could do it together better than apart.  HE understood what I was going through better than anyone else.

I know understand with more clarity a statement made by Elder Howard, "If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently, you shield it and protect it.  You never abuse it.  You don't expose it to the elements.  You don't make it common or ordinary.  If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new.  It becomes special to you because you made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as time goes by."    He was talking about his wife's silverware and relating it to marriage.  As I read it now I can only think of the way my husband lovingly cares for and protects me.  How he helped to polish me until I gleamed like new again.  Because he made it so, our love has grown more precious and beautiful as time goes by.  He helped make me whole again.  (Although it has taken time to become whole, a lot of time.)

The second lesson that I learned was HOW to GIVE that burden to my Savior.  Much like I did with my husband, I needed to sit at the feet of my Savior and pour out my soul to Him.  All my heartaches, pains, frustrations and feelings of inadequacy.  I needed to leave my burdens at His feet so He could pick them up, and pick me up too.  He already bought those pains, for me and for you.  He has paid the price, He wants to help us.

And much like my husband helped to yolk this trial with me, my Savior will do the same.  Just as I could see the hurt transfer to my husband, my Savior can take that hurt from me - because only HE can truly empathize.  Just as I realized the strength of the relationship of my husband and I, I am grateful for my "other" Best Friend.  I know that my understanding of the atonement is limited, but I learned a HUGE lesson of HOW to ALLOW the Savior to heal you from more than just sin, but from heart ache and pain as well.

I am precious to my Savior.  If ever I become tarnished, he will lovingly polish me until I gleam like new.

"Mine eyes have yet to behold His glory, but I know that He lives, for my heart has felt His presence."
This is one of my favorite quotes.  I know Jesus Christ lives, I know that He can heal all pain.  I know because I have felt His loving arms encircle me at times when I could not stand, but only kneel.  I am thankful for this knowledge.

I hope that no one has to go through any of this.  But if you do, I hope you know you are not alone.  In sooo many ways, you are not alone.