You know I get these little lessons from God all the time, about how I shouldn't judge. (I always roll my eyes at peoples cell phones that go off in church etc. Then MINE DID in a beautiful baptism. I WAS MORTIFIED. It was an honest mistake, I am 31 and haven't even had my cell phone a year yet. I forget that I even have one. I forget it at home a lot. I forgot. I learned to quit judging.) I used to always think if you got pregnant as a teenager - duh, you would give the baby up for adoption. No brainer. Then I had a baby of my own, and I read an article in the Ensign about how hard it was even just for the Grandfather of the baby - to let the baby go. I realized what an amazingly UNselfish thing it is for those little sweet teenage girls to cary a sweet baby for 9 months, go through all the humiliation of being a pregnant teen, and then let someone else have that part of them. I used to think that people were crazy when they blamed God for things and when they stopped believing. I have learned. I need to stop judging people. I can see how easy it could be to blame God or be angry with Him if you lost a child. I know that it is wrong. But I can see it. I need to not judge and just love. I am having a hard time feeling like God doesn't hate me right now. I know it isn't true. But it is a lot easier to blame. It helps to put the blame somewhere else instead of continually asking or wondering why. Faith really is a funny thing. It doesn't always grow like a flower from a seed. There are times it is simply cut down by a lawn mower of life. And you have to decide, am I going to grow again? Do I have the faith to become what I was. - maybe stronger. Lawn mowers are good for the grass. they just hurt.
I feel bad, because my life has always been what I called easy and happy. And it is still wonderful. I have many many blessings to count. I couldn't ask for a better husband or girls. Same for my friends and family. So I feel bad "complaining". I don't like to think of it as complaining. I would like to think of it as "learning out loud". I am learning a lesson right now. out loud.
7 comments:
I think we all feel that way. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. You know, I'm not sure how strongly you feel like you would be angry. Before my dad passed away, I used to think about the worse thing that could ever happen to me. (This was way before I had children.) The top thing on my list was losing my father. I used to think I would be extremely angry and couldn't carry on. There were days of anger, but the strongest feeling I remember feeling at the time was comfort. NOt necessarily peace, but His overwhelming outpouring of love and strength. I knew that I couldn't go through that trial, but He could, and he was there to carry me through it. I literally was carried on so many levels. If huge tragedies do strike, we will feel pain and anguish (that's part of the trial.) However, it's through our faith and what we do to strengthen it in times of non-trials that carry us through when those trials do come. Sorry that I'm not very eloquent at words, but just know that so many people are around you and supporting you, including those you were close to that are now on the other side of the veil. Try to subside the anger just long enough to feel them there. It's an amazing feeling. Then, after you know they are there, go back to being angry because that is part of the healing process. (As long as you don't stay stuck in the anger phase. :) )
Oh, that was your phone? ; ) Just so you know, I wasn't bugged by it. I was more impressed that the whole primary presidency, who had had such a long day already, was at my son's baptism.
I like that "learning out loud", I need to remember that. I love this post, because it's full of feelings that I'm sure each of us has felt at some point. Love ya.
I liked how you put it, "learning out loud."
I love you and I think you're awesome! enough said!
Learning and growing seems to always be painful and difficult, in your head you know it is the plan and will be worth it but in your heart you just hurt. I am sorry for your struggle. I will continue to keep you in prayers.
I appreciate your sharing this; it isn't easy.
Now that I am having our first, I have thought the same thing. Would I be strong enough if I lost a child? I came to the conclusion that I think I would. Sadly enough, not necessarily out of faith but fear. How dumb would I feel for eternity if I didn't make it to the Celestial kingdom to see and raise the celestial being that the Lord sent me? I found myself contemplating when we were being raised. -I didn't always agree with everything, the discipline or the lack of rational thought at times. -But the fact is, I stayed away from a lot of bad things (immorality, drugs, alcohol etc) not because my testimony always told me that it was bad. -I stayed away from it because of the fear of knowing how our parents would react to me falling away. I also think it is okay to rely on fear when faith waivers. I really like Elder Holland's talk at conference. Particularly the part where he said these men (Joseph, Hyrum etc), though they knew their time was coming, they didn't write a letter or poor me's, take care of my wife and children etc. -Knowing that their families had a good amount of trials ahead of them, without them, they still used their dying minutes to bear testimony of the truth of the gospel. I love how he said that any man is basically a fool to doubt it. Its true though, we are fools. Wrapping things up, when we found out we were pregnant, I asked Jeff to give me a blessing. Two of the most powerful things in the blessing where: I have been given many gifts and have been able to develop those gifts through watching children. -But I was ultimately given those gifts to be a mother in Zion. -How powerful is that? -But it is true. We are all given so many gifts to be parents in Zion. -Even those who are unable to be children can be parents in Zion. Through callings, visiting teaching etc. We are all responsible to help raise each other. Lastly, the other part of the blessing was that I need to make sure I am taking time to continue developing my testimony. Because trials WILL come and I will need to have a strong testimony to get me through them. Hang in there, our little one will want a strong aunt along with those little cousins. :)
I wish I had read this back in 2012, when I had two miscarriages and felt COMPLETELY alone. You are an amazing example to me and I'm so very, very blessed to have you in my life! Xoxo!
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